


We've Got What We've Got

by chchchchcherrybomb



Series: The Desperate Type [6]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU: The Desperate Type, Alana and Connor friendship, Anxiety, Brotp: Alana and Connor, Depression, F/F, First Kiss, Friendship, Galaxy Gals, Gen, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, The Desperate Type, The Desperate Type verse, Tree Bros, being gals who are pals, gal pals, in june, it's also weirdly a Christmas fic...., mention of suicidal thoughts, my tags are a disaster jfc, whoops, zolana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 11:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11312793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chchchchcherrybomb/pseuds/chchchchcherrybomb
Summary: Was it possible…Was Connor her friend?Alana didn’t exactly have friends. Acquaintances, sure. She had tons. The kind who would talk to you at a Student Council bake sale and exchange numbers to coordinate rides to the animal shelter for volunteer events, but never the kind who would get a thoughtful gift for her or text her on a random Tuesday after school to ask what her opinion of eating ice cream in winter was.Which Connor had done.That past Tuesday, in fact.“Ice cream in winter: heinous crime against humanity or delicious defiance of the weather? Discuss.”----------------------Alana-centric fic, taking place during Winter Epilogue of The Desperate Type





	We've Got What We've Got

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of The Desperate Type, please make sure to read that before reading or this will make zero (0) sense. :)

 

It started in Physics.

Well.

It started because Alana had gotten herself excused from school for the afternoon, but Mrs. Blount asked if she wouldn’t mind coming to finish her lab for the week since she would be missing class that afternoon. Alana had idiotically stopped by to drop off an assignment because even though she planned not to be there the next day, the thought of disappointing her Physics teacher was too overwhelming.

Despite the typed note in her backpack and the bottle of sleeping pills, Alana’s first words were, “But I’m in _Honors_ Physics!”

Mrs. Blount shrugged. “The lab’s the same, Alana. Why don’t you save yourself the trip in after school next week and just do it now? You’re in study hall this hour, right?”

“Oh, I… I uh. Alright.”

“Great, go work with Connor - we’ll be needing pairs.”

Alana nodded and headed back to the lab table where Connor Murphy was sitting. He was frowning at his phone, clearly unbothered by the idea of getting caught texting in class.  

Connor seemed to be looking tired lately. Alana had heard a rumor in orchestra that he had spent the summer in rehab. That kind of freaked Alana out, though then again the whole concept of drugs freaked her out because who would willingly surrender control like that?

Connor was wearing a blue t-shirt that looked familiar, though Alana wasn’t exactly sure why. He appeared to be typing out a message to someone, and he didn’t look up when Alana put down her things. “Mrs. Blount said I should work with you…” She announced, trying for cheerful but landing somewhere between bored and desperate. Connor didn’t look up. “I’m making the lab up since I have to leave early.”

Connor did look up from his phone then. “What?”

“Mrs. Blount said I should work with you. I’m leaving early and need to make up the lab.”

He nodded.

Alana had been lab partners with Connor before. In Chemistry, as sophomores. She’d been sort of bummed to get landed with him as a lab partner. He was probably fine as a person, but she only really knew him by reputation. He skipped class a lot, and when he was there he was usually stoned.

That was back when Alana’s science grades weren’t good enough to get her into Honors Chem and Connor’s science grades were so bad it was probably mostly due to Alana that he _passed_ Chem. Alana knew this because once, in a moment of total frustrating she had begged him not to bring out their grade and he had rolled his eyes, muttered, “fine whatever,” and then added something about how he was barely passing anyway.

Mostly he was quiet. Didn’t really talk. Once he had sighed, and then shoved an entire container of candy canes at her during finals. Alana had looked up and he had been red faced, looking at his shoes, before he mumbled something like “happy holidays” and disappeared before the bell.

Alana had spent the whole week before passing out candy canes from the student council candy gram. She hadn’t actually gotten any herself.

Neither had Connor.

They had a project on Huck Finn that year that was a disaster too. As far as Alana knew from trying to calculate senior class standing, the only honors class that Connor took were English classes. He had also apparently taken AP Language Composition as a junior and had passed.

In tenth grade, Connor just kept changing the name of the book to various swears and complaining about how he hated Mark Twain. They got an A on their project, but Alana did almost all of the work.

So this pairing, which had haunted her throughout high school, seemed like a fantastic send off. One final disappointment.

Connor and Alana got to work on the lab - this really basic thing about Newton’s Laws that wasn’t especially interesting or useful to her.

Then again nothing was all that interesting for Alana now.

And literally nothing was useful.

Alana sighed and tried to keep focus. And failed. Nothing captured her attention these days. It all pulled her back into her head.

Except for Connor’s shirt, a little. It was making her crazy because she knew she recognized it but she couldn’t put a finger on _why_ she knew it and then it clicked.

“Is that Evan Hansen’s t-shirt?” Alana asked because she couldn’t help herself.

“Um,” Connor said.

And then Alana was just like. Talking. Without being able to stop it. Smiling widely, talking like she didn’t know he didn’t want to listen:  “Oh man are you guys going out? That’s great! Evan’s great. He’s really nice, though kind of quiet, but I guess you’re pretty quiet too come to think of it! Haha, I’ve actually been thinking of starting a GSA here at school, I mean, _I’m_ … well, I figured it could be good as a way to get people together to talk about contemporary LGBT issues now that marriage equality has been passed-”

“Beck,” Connor said sharply, his eyes wide like he was hoping nobody heard her. She was used to that look. He lowered his voice. “I just… I got into a fight with my asshole dad and stayed at Evan’s last night. He lent me a shirt. That’s it. Okay?”

“Sure.”

“ _Please_ don’t tell anyone we’re dating.”

She didn’t know what shocked her more: the use of “please” or the fact that Connor Murphy seemed to care about what she thought about him or said about him. She had always assumed that he just… didn’t.

“Oh… oh. I’m s-sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you I just-”

Connor looked at her, like he was pleading with her to shut up and just get back to work. “I mean. It’s fine. I’m not pissed. I just… It’s _fine_. Just. Don’t say anything, okay?”

He didn’t really look fine. He was frowning deeper, and he’d taken a step closer to her, and...

And somehow this set her off. The idea of upsetting _Connor Murphy_ had caused a minor crisis behind her eyes and then suddenly she was just… in tears, trying to rapidly blink them away, feeling like such an idiot because God why couldn’t she just _talk_ to people? Any people, literally anyone, literally the one kid she was sure she wouldn’t bother because she wouldn’t do anything awful to him for a change. Why was she like this? Why couldn’t she just talk without putting her foot in her mouth? Her grandma’s voice floated to her, calling Alana her little chatterbox and god she just missed having someone to talk to someone who would let her be a chatterbox she was such an idiot she was so stupid she couldn’t even believe that she’d…

“Shit, are… are you okay?”

Alana wiped her eyes quickly. “Yeah I. Yes. I have. Allergies.”

Connor eyed her suspiciously. “Sorry. Shit. Hang on.” He disappeared to the front of the classroom, returning with a box of tissues, seeming conscious that all of the eyes in the room had followed him. Apparently once during summer school chemistry he’d used the Bunsen Burner to light a cigarette. People had always joked that he was planning to blow up the school.

He set the box of tissues in front of Alana. “Here.”

“Thanks,” Alana muttered, looking away.

“Don’t mention it,” He mumbled.

Alana tried hard not to sniffle.

“Do you. Um. Want to talk about it…?” Connor asked, and when Alana glanced at him she could see he looked really uncomfortable, like physically drawing away from her. She shook her head, because no, she couldn’t, she wasn’t going to do that she just she was done she was finished she just needed to make it through this last hour. “Or not,” Connor said, awkwardly, fiddling with a pencil.

“Thanks,” Alana said but it came out like a sob and she was losing it, she was totally losing it, in front of the school weirdo, and the smile she kept plastered on was cracking, everyone would know everyone would _know…_ “God, I’m so sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Dude… you’re…” Connor ran a hand through his hair. He kept his voice low. “Just… You’re fine.  Act like you’re doing the worksheet or whatever…” Connor said, and he got to work looking like he was following the directions on the other sheet. Alana mopped her face.

Alana picked up her pencil.

Stared down at the worksheet.

A big, fat, ugly tear splattered on the page. She was sure everyone was watching, everyone was staring at her. But suddenly the words had climbed up her throat and she couldn’t swallow them. “My grandma… died in July.”

Connor paused, looking at her slowly. “I’m sorry.”

“We were um. Close. Like really close. She wasn’t even that old, she used to text me a bunch? And um. We. We would go to church and get breakfast every Sunday, pretty much.”

“That’s um. That’s cool.”

“This is so stupid, I’m sorry.” Alana took another tissue, wiping her nose, ducking her head, hiding her face. “You don’t want to hear me blubbering about my grandma…”

“It’s. No. It’s not…” Alana looked over at Connor who was biting on his lip, frowning. “I’m sorry she’s gone. That… sucks.”

Alana looked at him sharply.

He’d been a shitty partner in English in tenth grade. And a worse Chem partner.

And now he was…. Being nice to her.

He had a reputation, she knew.

She’d heard that he’d even shoved Evan in the hall on the first day of school. Even though they were always together now.

“It sucks,” Alana finally agreed. “I hate it… She and I were close. Like really close. Um. It’s stupid, but she was probably my best friend…”

Connor nodded. “That’s cool, that you were. Close. I’m sorry.”

“I just… I just keep trying so hard, just so h-hard to keep myself occupied an-and working and I just. I can’t take it. Nobody talks to me anymore and I’m going out of my mind. I’m… _lonely._ And I don’t… It’s just I don’t feel anything. I don’t know what I’m doing, I feel like I’m failing at everything but I don’t even care. Just constantly, empty and I. I just. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Connor handed her another tissue. “I’m sorry.”

Alana sighed, feeling embarrassed. Stupid. God, why had she even opened her stupid mouth, she was an _idiot…_

“I get it though.”

“Sorry?” Alana said.

“I said. I. I guess I get it.” Connor frowned a little. “Like. Feeling all.. Empty and fucked up and… stuff.”

Alana nodded.

“You should um. Have you told anyone?” He said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, looking away a little, like he was trying to give her space.  

Alana almost laughed, thinking of the note in her bag. “No. Not really. I just… no.”

Connor nodded. “Then I guess I’m glad you told me…” He shrugged. “I can’t… I don’t know how to, like, help or whatever. Or if you even want that, because like, I _get it_ if you don’t want um… I know _I’m_ like…” He shook his head. “Anyways. Just. Thanks, I guess? For telling me.”

Alana blinked in surprise. She nodded. “Thanks. To you too.”

“Um… yeah. I um. Yeah.” He looked away for a second. Pulled a pack of gum out of the front pocket of his messenger bag. He held it out to her. She took a piece. He took one too.

And they worked on their Physics lab in relative silence.

 

That afternoon, when Alana got home from school, she walked into the kitchen to find her mom writing an email. And she collapsed in tears, saying, “Mama…” and her  mom just. Knew.

* * *

 

He didn’t want to be there.

Alana could tell immediately.

It was two weeks since he was back at school, and two weeks until Winter Break. By now, Sincerely Me had taken off. They had a lot of emails to answer. A lot of kids reading out to them for help and referrals.

They were even looking into training more kids to answer them, outside of the five of them.

Connor came to the meetings a lot.

There were days when he walked into the empty English classroom after school, talking with Evan, maybe even smiling, and he’d drop into a desk and get to work on an email right away, talking about with everyone if he wasn’t sure about how to phrase something.

And then there were days like today when he showed up twenty minutes late and looking lost and empty and genuinely just dropped his stuff on a desk and laid down on the floor like he just couldn’t keep upright anymore.

Not that she didn’t feel like doing that sometimes, but she never actually could. Not if people could see.

Alana sighed. Normally she had the others here as reinforcements, but Evan had a dentist appointment, and Zoe had jazz band, and Jared didn’t usually come to meetings if Evan wasn’t coming. His commitment to the cause was still pretty skin deep, but Alana was drowning in emails so she was willing to take just about any warm body who could relate to exams anxiety.

So it was just her, in an empty classroom, watching while Connor Murphy laid on the floor.

“Hey Connor.”

“Hey.”

“You…” Alana stopped. Bit her lip. “Are you okay?”

No response. He flung an arm over his eyes.

Alana frowned, but turned her attention back to her laptop. She frowned at the latest letter she had gotten. It wasn’t a bad letter, not really, just some typical stuff about a ninth grader who didn’t feel like they fit in with anyone. But Alana suddenly felt hypocritical for answering this letter. She was a twelfth grader who didn’t fit in, and that did not feel great. She had no advice to offer.

Alana sighed, and closed the laptop.

Connor looked about how she felt. Useless. Stalled out. Freaked out. A little over medicated, probably. Those first weeks since she had started her meds had made her feel a little bit like a zombie.

Alana stood up. Grabbed her backpack from the chair.

She couldn’t focus today.

She walked over to where Connor was on the floor, and laid down beside him, putting nearly a foot of space between them. She put her head on her backpack Alana didn’t know when the floor had last been swept and didn’t want to find dust bunnies in her hair later.

“I can’t do anything today,” She confessed once she was settled.

She could tell Connor was watching her.

It was true. She couldn’t do anything that day. It was like her brain was frozen. “I totally froze during a practice in class essay in English today. I barely even wrote an outline. If I keep this up, I’ll fail the AP test for sure.”

Connor made a soft noise that Alana realized was a laugh after a second. “You’re not going to fail the AP Test, Beck.”

“But the free response section is worth more than fifty percent of the total score, and you have to write three essays in the space of two hours, and there is always a literary analysis of a poem which was our practice exam today and I just froze. I don’t understand poetry.”

“Yes you do. You got a perfect score on your last in class. I know because Mrs. Chike read it outloud to the whole class. You’re fine. So you had one off day.”

“But what if I have an off day the day of the exam?”

“You won’t.”

“But how do you know?” Alana said anxiously.

Connor sighed. “I dunno. It’s months from now. I feel like you’ll be even more prepared by then. You’ll be so prepared you could do the free response section in your sleep.”

“But I need to get at least a four to be able to test out of both sections of freshman English at my top three schools. A five would be best though, but I need to get at least a four. I can’t just not fail.”

“You’ll get _at least_ a four,” Connor said. He sounded almost… sad. “Trust me. You will.” He was frowning from what Alana could see out of the corner of her eye.

“...Are you okay?” Alana asked him again, peering at him out of the side of her glasses.

“I don’t know,” He said. “I just don’t want to do anything.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t have to be on the floor with me. I know I’m kind of ruining the uh… working environment.”

“I know I don’t have to be here,” Alana said carefully. She didn’t move. “But…  Well. Maybe I want to be on the floor.”

“If you say so.”

Alana listened as a full minute ticked by on the clock at the front of the room. “Is there something specific you don’t want to be doing? Maybe I can help you procrastinate.”

Connor groaned. “Applications are due soon. For college. I’m supposed to be working on them.”

Alana nodded. “Yeah.”

“I don’t.” He started. Stopped. “Evan wants me to apply where he’s going.”

“Oh.”

“I know won’t get in, but I don’t want to... disappoint him.” He let out a hollow sounding laugh. “There’s just _no_ chance. My grades suck.”

Alana frowned. “No… I mean. I know they haven’t been. You know. Great. But…”

“Beck, my grades are seriously shit. You don’t have to try to make me feel better about it. I don’t think I’ve bothered with school since, like, seventh grade.”

“I don’t think it’s too late to… You know. Try. I was your lab partner, don’t forget, so I know you are smarter than you pretend to be.”

He groaned. “I just  wish I hadn’t spent the last five years dicking around.”

“That sounds…. Hard,” Alana tried, uncertain.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

“But you’re not dicking around now,” She went on, trying to be encouraging. “You even took that SAT prep class.”

Connor sighed. “Yeah. Still not sure that was a good use of money, considering I missed my test date…”

She knew this. He had intended to take it right after Thanksgiving but hadn’t been able to go because of his hospitalization. Zoe had told her.

“So you’ll take it at the next one.”

“Sure.”

Connor ended up staying in the hospital all through all of Thanksgiving break. Zoe had been really freaked out at the time; she showed up at Alana’s parents house at like midnight begging to stay to get away from her arguing parents.

 

Alana was surprised to find Zoe at her door at eleven o’clock at night the week of Thanksgiving. Incredibly surprised.

The November weather was cold and Alana had been shocked to get a text so late. She had stayed up studying for a quiz in her AP Spanish class. There was an upcoming oral exam too, so she was practicing her pronunciation while she studied vocab and grammar.

When Alana pulled the door open, she was suddenly embarrassed about her dorky Harry Potter pajama pants, about the big baseball t-shirt that said Mathlete across the front, about the scarf she had wrapped around her hair, about the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra.

Especially that last one when Zoe hugged her tightly. She looked especially pale and really scared.

“I just… Could I stay here? I really hate to ask like this but… My parents are freaking out and fighting, and I can’t be there right now.”

“Okay, come inside, I’ll… I’ll just tell my parents? Can I get you anything?”

Zoe shook her head and waited patiently while Alana told her parents that her friend Zoe was going to stay over. Her mom had smiled serenely, like Alana had friends over all of the time, especially on school nights at eleven pm, and told her not to stay up late.

Alana forced a package of Oreos into Zoe’s hands and ushered her upstairs to Alana’s room. Alana was embarrassed about the sheer number of stuffed animals she owned, but this wasn’t the first time that Zoe had come over, so she tried not to stress about being judged for the collection of Beanie Babies.

“What happened?” Alana asked, tentatively putting a hand on Zoe’s shoulder as Zoe crammed a cookie into her mouth.

Zoe chewed slowly. Swallowed. Wiped her eyes. “He tried to kill himself again. My brother.”

Alana remembered swallowing hard. That’s what Zoe always called Connor. “My brother.” As if she was reminding people, a little bit defiantly, that she and Connor were related.  

Alana felt dread spreading through her body, from her belly up through her chest and then down her arms and into her fingers. She could barely choke out the next words, “I’m _so_ sorry. Is he okay?”

Zoe nodded, then shrugged. “I mean. I guess. He’s still alive. So.” She twisted another Oreo open. “I guess he called Evan. Which. I guess… is good. I’m glad he called... Evan convinced him to call 911, and he’s alive still so...” Her eyes filled with tears again. “I was _home_. He didn’t know, but I was home... I was in the next room. I had no idea…”

“It’s not your fault… he’s sick,” Alana said, and Zoe just cried harder and Alana pulled her in for a hug, petting her hair with the teal steaks, wiping away tears, telling Zoe that it would be fine without having any real reason to think it was fine. She was scared. She was terrified. For Connor, for Zoe, for Evan, Jared…. For herself.

It wasn’t like they were close.

But the thrill of panic spread through her body like a wildfire and it was all she could do not to cry on Zoe.

They weren’t close.

But they weren’t not friends.

“Thanks for um…” Zoe sat up, wiping her face, looking embarrassed. “Just. Thanks.”

“It’s… I’m happy to. Um. Help.”

Zoe smiled tearfully. “Always taking care of me,” she said, shyly, tapping the tip of Alana’s nose. Alana felt like her entire body ignited with that touch.  “First that party, then dragging me to a support group, now this. You’re too nice to me. ”

Alana felt her face get warm. “I mean… It’s…” She shrugged. Zoe leaned her head back against Alana’s shoulder, and Alana put her arm around Zoe. She didn’t know what to do; she was about twenty thousand emotions in a blender. Everything smeared together and nothing making sense. She was scared, worried, nervous about how Connor was doing and how Zoe was doing and how Evan and was doing and how Jared was doing and how the Murphys were doing but then there was this pretty girl with hair dyed Alana’s favorite color with her head on Alana’s shoulder and it was all she could do to try not to react inappropriately to their proximity and kiss her.

Zoe sighed, wiping her face, and sitting up, sober again. “Do you really think he’ll be okay?”

Alana nodded. “I do. I really do.”

“I hope so,” Zoe said, taking another Oreo from the pack. “I would really hate to be the dead kid’s sister.”

Alana raised her eyebrows.

“I mean. Okay, I know that sounds horrible, but it’s all I can think about right now. I’m fucking selfish.” Zoe shoved the cookie into her mouth, chewing it slowly. “Spare me the lecture.”

“I wouldn’t lecture you about that…” Alana said softly. “Can you tell me why you’re worried about that?”

“Well. I mean. You know how people at our school are. Something bad happens and suddenly everyone rushes to pretend to have been close to the victim. Like when Sabrina Patel had that car accident where she broke her leg, and suddenly everyone acted like they knew her, like they were super tight friends. I hate that. It’s so fake.”

Alana nodded, feeling embarrassed. “I um. I actually collected cards for the Patels when that happened,” she said it softly, like it might make her less weird in Zoe’s eyes. Alana had genuinely been worried about Sabrina. They weren’t friends - just passing acquaintances - but they had gone to school together since they were little and Alana’s mom knew Sabrina’s mom. She had felt so helpless after the accident, because it wasn’t like she could just call up Sabrina and tell her she was glad that all she broke was her leg, because Alana didn’t really know Sabrina. So she collected cards from other students and she got her mom to drive her to the hospital. She offered to help carry Sabrina’s books to classes. She tried to be helpful without forcing herself upon Sabrina.

Zoe tilted her head a little. “I mean. I didn’t mean _you_ , Alana. You actually know my brother… If something did happen, then. Fuck. I mean. I’d go crazy if you didn’t talk to me.”

“Right.” Alana looked away.

“Hey,” Zoe said, and she gently touched Alana’s chin, turning her face back toward Zoe’s. “Shit, I’m. I’m sorry. That came out… wrong. And weird. And, fuck, I’m a huge mess.” She was still holding Alana’s chin. Her breathing seemed sort of uneven. She dropped her hand into her lap. “I’m just. I’m really glad that we’re friends, okay? I’m… I’d be really, really lost without you.”

Alana had nodded, and then after awhile the pair of them got ready for bed and went to sleep. Alana’s face burned as she listened to Zoe’s breathing even out beside her on the double bed, because in the middle of all of this crisis, all Alana could think was what she would do if Zoe Murphy kissed her.

 

Alana came back to herself, on the floor beside Connor. “I think you could include an explanation of your academic record… for college. I’ve seen applications that have spaces for that. I think a lot of schools might be understanding if you told them…”

“That I’m crazy?” Connor said, pulling his arm off of his face and turning to look at Alana. He was frowning.

It was weird to see so close up.

Alana didn’t usually make a point to look carefully at people’s faces, especially boy’s faces, but Connor’s was pretty close to her own so she looked now. He had long eyelashes for a boy. And his nose was a lot different than Zoe’s. Connor was also awfully pale. Like super white. Alana almost smiled, imagining Connor as Snow White.

“Are you laughing at me?” He said, sounding annoyed but also exhausted as he knocked Alana out of her thoughts.

“Sorry,” Alana said, looking away. “I was just thinking that you… never mind it’s stupid.”

Connor turned his head, looking at her with narrowed eyes.

She swallowed loudly. “I was thinking you kind of looked like Snow White,” Alana said, feeling incredibly stupid because what kind of weird thing was that to say? “Since you’re. Um. Pale.”

Connor rolled his eyes and laughed. “I always thought I was more of a Belle from _Beauty and the Beast_ , personally.”

Alana smiled. Relieved. He wasn’t making fun of her. That was… kind of nice.

“What about you?”

“Huh?”

“What princess would you be?”

Alana stilled. “Oh. I. Um…” She thought about it. She had never really liked most of the princesses. She had a brief Mulan phase, but that was probably just because the idea of a girl cross dressing appealed to her as a little kid. “I never really liked most of the official Disney princesses, I guess. Though I did like Alice? From Alice in Wonderland.”

Connor smiled at her. “Why?”

Alana felt her face get a little warm. “Well. I mean. I guess I… sometimes feel like I’m stuck in a world that doesn’t make any sense.”

“But are you good at croquet, Beck? That’s the _real_ question.”

“Why do you do that?” She asked suddenly, stupidly, words out of her mouth before she could properly think about them. She knew what people said about Connor, she knew he could get angry, she was in the hall the time he dislocated Josh Clark’s jaw in middle school, _she should really stop talking without thinking_.

“Do what?” He didn’t sound pissed off but.

“Call people by their last names?” She tried to sound like she wasn’t prying, like she wasn’t being weird about it.

“Oh… Um.” Connor looked thoughtful. “I don’t know. I…Probably because I’ve never had any fucking friends so I don’t know how to talk to people.” Connor bit his lip. “I don’t know. I guess because… I kind of figured that most people don’t like me, so if I call them by their last names they won’t think that I weirdly like them or something? I don’t know. Now that you mention it... It’s kind of...dumb…” Connor sighed. Alana wondered if maybe he was embarrassed.

“No I mean. I get that. I guess.”

“Do you _not_ want me to call you by your last name?”

“Oh,” Alana said, because she hadn’t really thought about it. “I guess I don’t mind. But. I. I don’t mind if you… like me, I guess? If you don’t though it’s totally fine I don’t even… I mean it’s fine.”

“Um. No. I mean. You’re cool. I…. I like you,” Connor said. It was awkward as hell and Alana wished she had never opened her mouth at all. They both looked away.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Okay.”

They fell silent.

“Do you think we’re actually making a difference with this?” Alana asked after a while. She kept her eyes closed. “Do you think anyone even notices or cares that we answer these emails?”

Connor sighed. “I have no idea.” He folding his hands over his middle, and when Alana looked over she could see he was wearing chipped black nail polish. “But I guess… like maybe if this kind of thing had existed when I was a freshman… especially since it’s anonymous? Like. It might have been. Good. I guess.”

“Yeah,” Alana said, kind of smiling. “Is it just me, or does freshman year feel both like it was just yesterday and like it was a lifetime ago?”

“I hear you,” Connor said. “Sometimes I have to, like, remind myself that I’m not some asshole who’s still fifteen.”

“I didn’t think you were an asshole at fifteen.”

Connor turned his head suddenly. “Liar. Huck Finn project in tenth grade?”

Alana smiled. “Well you were _sixteen_ by then.”

Connor grinned. “You have my birthday written down in your planner, don’t you?”

Alana laughed. It wasn’t even teasing, he wasn’t making fun of her. He sounded almost… happy. “Well. I mean. Yes. We’re acquaintances.”

“Yeah, Beck. We’re acquaintances.”

Alana smiled a lot when she left school that day. Connor even drove her home. She had thought maybe he was waiting around to get a ride from Zoe, but it turned out he was heading over to Evan’s because Heidi had to work. Evan had apparently had a filling done at the dentist, but they’d had to use laughing gas on him because apparently the drilling sound had caused him to start panicking the last time he went in for a filling and they wanted to make sure he stayed very calm. “So I’m… just kind of baby sitting him until it wears off.”

“That’s sort of nice,” Alana offered.

“I guess. I dunno. I’m not really… I don’t know why Mrs. Hansen trusts me to do this.”

“I mean,” Alana said, smiling kindly. “He’s not a baby in a hot car. I think she just knows he would be most comfortable with you around.”

Connor shrugged.

“I was thinking that our group could maybe do Secret Santa?” Alana said suddenly. “Or maybe Secret Snowflake, since Jared’s Jewish. Is Evan Jewish? I feel like Jared mentioned them going to Temple together as kids?”

Connor shook his head. “He says he wasn’t raised religious. He and his mom have a Christmas tree? I dunno.”

Alana nodded. “But do you think…  just a little gift exchange, something fun for the holidays?”

Connor nodded. “Um. Yeah. Sure.” He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “How does that… work? I’ve just. I’ve never done it.”

“Oh,” Alana said, smiling, happy to explain. “You draw names out of a hat or something, and then you get a little present for the person you draw. People usually set like a ten dollar limit or something.”

“Oh. Okay. Sure.” He pulled into her driveway.

“Thanks for the ride, Connor.”

“Sure thing, Beck.” He gave her a nervous looking smile as she climbed out of the car.

* * *

They were all together, the five of them, in Alana’s living room. They had just finished their Secret Snowflake. Alana had given Zoe a set of personalized guitar picks. Her Secret Snowflake had been Connor, who got her a new copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Alana had peeked inside to see there was a post-it note stuck to the flyleaf, that said, “In case the world doesn’t make sense. -CM”

Alana felt her heart kind of swell at the note.

Was it possible…

Was Connor her _friend_?

Alana didn’t exactly have _friends_. Acquaintances, sure. She had tons. The kind who would talk to you at a Student Council bake sale and exchange numbers to coordinate rides to the animal shelter for volunteer events, but never the kind who would get a thoughtful gift for her or text her on a random Tuesday after school to ask what her opinion of eating ice cream in winter was.

Which Connor had done.

That past Tuesday, in fact.

“Ice cream in winter: heinous crime against humanity or delicious defiance of the weather? Discuss.”

Alana texted back, “I guess I still enjoy ice cream in winter.”

The reply was immediate, “Knew there was a reason I liked you.”

And then another, “Any chance you’re free?”

And Alana, who was sitting in sweats, smiling like an idiot, texted back, “Yeah, I just finished the reading for AP Lit.”

“Great. I’m picking you up in five, and we’re getting ice cream.”

Followed immediately by, “Unless that’s super weird, in which case I will absolutely not do that.”

Then, just as fast: “Just ignore me. I’m being fucking weird.”

Alana texted back, “Ice cream sounds good, I’ll be ready.”

And Alana had changed quickly back into jeans, telling her mom that she was heading out. Her mom had teased her about having a boyfriend as Alana pulled her boots on, explaining that Connor was picking her up. Alana felt her face heat up. “Mom, really?” She’d come out to her mom and dad in the middle of telling them all about how she had been feeling depressed  a few weeks back. They had _congratulated_ her. That was just her parents. Supportive and positive no matter what. Alana almost wished she had told them sooner. She could have saved herself some time.

But her mom just smiled, giggling at the idea of Alana having a boyfriend and kissing her cheek. “Just teasing you, baby. I know he’s just a friend. I’d love to meet him.”

Alana nodded, grabbing her coat as the doorbell rang. She had been so excited she hadn’t even had time to worry about why he wanted to hang out. And suddenly she was concerned that something was wrong.

Connor was in the doorway, looking kind of awkward, his shoulders hunched and his hands shoved into the pockets of his peacoat. He had on a hat that Alana had never seen before (also black), and even in the dim porch light Alana could see his cheeks were red from the cold.  “Hey Beck. Ready?”

“Um yeah. Can I introduce you to my mom quick? She wanted to meet you.”

Connor stared. “I’m… Not great with parents.”

“It’ll be painless,” Alana said, hoping she wasn’t lying. She grabbed Connor’s wrist and pulled him inside. “Mama if you want to meet him you -!”

Her mom popped her head out of the kitchen, like she totally hadn’t been waiting anxiously to see if Alana was going to introduce them. She smiled, walking to the entry way. “You must be Connor.”

“Hi,” Connor said quickly, and he took off his glove before taking her extended hand and shook it. “It’s nice to meet you.” He seemed to be trying to smile but it looked a little weird on his face.

“Glad to meet you as well. Alana’s told me so much about you.”

Connor sent a panicked look her way.

“All good things, I swear,” Her mom said, smiling wider. “Just how involved you’ve been in the support group.”

“Um… yeah, I um….”

“I’ll let you head out. Lon, don’t stay out late. School night.”

“Thanks mom,” Alana said. She turned to Connor.

“Ready?” Connor asked.

She nodded, pulling on a pair of earmuffs, and trying to smile at him. She was nervous. She didn’t know why, but Alana sort of thought that Connor might be nervous too. Alana stepped outside and then followed Connor to his car. It was pitch black outside even though it was only six o’clock. The weather was cold, but it hadn’t snowed yet this winter. Alana slid into Connor’s passenger seat, happy to discover his car was pretty warm.

They drove for a little bit, the car quiet except for the quiet noise of a local station playing Christmas music on the radio. Alana was a little surprised. She hadn’t exactly taken Connor as someone who enjoyed Christmas music.

“So, um,” Alana said. “Are you getting excited for Christmas?”

Connor sighed. “Not really. My parents are dragging Zoe and I skiing.”

“That could be fun.”

“I hate skiing,” Connor said, shaking his head.

Alana frowned. She had never been skiing before. It didn’t really fit into her schedule. She was trying not to worry about what parts of her schedule were being pushed off by taking this trip with Connor. She had gotten ahead on her reading for AP English, but she still had to turn in five Calculus problems by Thursday and she had only done two of them. She had planned to finish them tonight so she could devote time to Sincerely Me after tutoring at the middle school tomorrow, but now she might have to only answer four letters versus her typical six to eight so that she had enough time to get to the Calculus. Maybe she could ask Jared to take an extra email shift? Maybe that was why Connor had asked to hang out with her. He was trying to get her to take his email shift for the night. Or maybe he got a bad letter. They had all had the occasional bad letter but Connor always seemed to take them harder so maybe that was it.

“Did you get a weird letter or something tonight?”

“Sorry?” Connor said, pulling out onto the main road.

“That’s why you wanted to hang out, right? To talk about a letter from Sincerely Me?”

Connor pulled to a stop at a light and look at her sideways. “No. I wanted to get ice cream.”

Alana blinked a few times. “Oh. Alright.”

Connor bit his lip. “I’m… not good at this, okay?”

“This being?”

“Friend… stuff,” Connor said awkwardly. “So if I’m fucking it up, just tell me and I’ll… stop.”

Alana felt her face break into a smile. “You’re not! I, um, I mean. I guess. I’m. Surprised. That you...uh. Would want to hang out with me.”

Connor glanced at her quickly. “Why?”

“I mean… I know I’m a little much.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “She says to the suicidal stoner.”

Alana giggled nervously. What did you say to that? _Oh god, had she offended him, was he super pissed off at her?_

And Connor laughed back.

“Does Evan not like ice cream in winter?” Alana asked.

Connor shrugged. “I don’t think it’s really his thing. But I invited _you_ , okay? I can’t actually spend all of my time with him.”

“Why not?”

Connor sighed. “Because I am… trying really hard not to be clingy or codependent. But that’s not really the point.”

“Well then what is?” Alana said, confused, because like obviously it would make sense to invite so that he didn’t invite Evan. Like it made total sense.

“The point is...That I invited _you_. Jesus, Beck, please take a hint. I invited you, and you said yes. So. We’re hanging out. No ulterior motives, you’re not my last choice or whatever, okay?”

Alana smiled tentatively. “Okay.”

Connor pulled off on a sideroad, and then into a parking lot of a small place off of an old timey main street. It had an old, blinking sign that read “A La Mode.”

Alana smiled. “I haven’t been here in forever!” She said, excitedly. “I didn’t realize they stayed open all year.” The lights inside were all on, and Alana could see people in white aprons with paper hats inside.

“I googled it to make sure,” Connor said. He switched off the engine of his car. “You’ve been here before?”

Alana nodded excitedly. “My family would go the old apple orchard at the end of the summer every year. It’s always what we did on my mom’s birthday. We liked to stop here on the way home.”

Connor smiled this kind of twitchy smile like maybe he wasn’t sure how to smile exactly. “Mine too. We’d do like picnics and stuff?”

Alana grinned. “Picnics? I can’t imagine you on a picnic.”

“I was like seven, shut up,” Connor mumbled, but he didn’t look angry. He turned toward Alana and sort of half smiled, so she smiled back. “Zoe and I had this stupid toy plane we’d always beg to take with us. And we started fighting over who got to fly it once, so our dad took the controller away and crashed it into the creek.”

Alana stared, stopped, unsure.

Connor frowned. “It was a funnier story in my head.”

Alana giggled nervously at that. Which made Connor grin in a way that sort of made him look embarrassed.

They went inside.

Alana got a cone of chocolate peanut butter ice cream; Connor got a dish of mint chip.

“I’ve never liked that flavor,” Alana said, stupidly.

Connor smirked. “Zoe hates it so I always get it. No idea why.”

“Maybe it’s an older brother thing?” Alana said.

“Could be.” He shrugged. “Probably just an asshole thing though.” He shook his head. They grabbed a table. “Do you have any siblings?”

Alana shook her head. “My parents tried for years but it didn’t work out… I have a lot of cousins though.”

Connor smiled. “Everyone else I hang out with is an only child.” He paused. “Except Evan I guess. He’s got younger half siblings.”

Alana nodded thoughtfully. “Have you met them?”

Connor shook his head. “He doesn’t talk to his dad a lot. I haven’t met that side of the family...”

“I know his mom likes you,” Alana said, trying to smile.

Connor shrugged. “Mrs… _Er_. Heidi’s cool.” He sort of stared at his ice cream for a

second. “I don’t really know what I’m doing, honestly. With the whole… dating thing. Like. We’ve never really talked about it?”

“You and Evan?”

Connor nodded.

“He seems… really happy that you’re together?” Alana tried, carefully. She didn’t exactly

know what Connor’s relationship with Evan was like, exactly. Zoe had said offhand that they were sort of dating, but Alana didn’t know how loosely or tightly defined that was. All she knew was that Evan looked at Connor like Alana’s dad looked at her mom. Just. Totally comforted by the presence of the other person. She wondered if anyone would ever look at her like that.

“I guess…” Connor shrugged. “So… um. What about you?”

“What about me?”

Connor shrugged. “I dunno. Just. I don’t want to talk about me and Evan and our undefined _whatever_ so I… Are you dating anyone?”

Alana smiled, surprised. “Um. No.” She took a spoonful of ice cream. “I’m. Um. I’m gay though.”

Connor nodded. “Me um. Too. If that wasn’t…um... apparent.”

Alana nodded. “I was still thinking of looking into starting a GSA…”

Connor blinked. “How many clubs are you in, exactly?” It didn’t sound judgy, which really surprised Alana because she knew that people thought she looked a little desperate. She knew this. She wasn’t totally tone deaf to the world; more like tone indifferent. So she was surprised that Connor didn’t act like it was some pathetic or desperate thing she was doing. He just asked her what she did. And so she smiled, nervously, and said, “Oh well. I’m co-president of Sincerely Me, president of the honor society, I’m on student council, I do forensics, drama club, German club, Spanish club, I was the captain of the Constitution Bowl team, I help with the humane society, and I’m first chair violin in orchestra…Oh. And tutoring. I do tutoring at the middle school. I’m senior vice chair of the program.”

Connor’s eyes looked like they might pop out of his head. “Wow. Um. How do you even have time to be hanging out with me right now?”

Alana smiled, “Well it’s nearly Christmas. Most clubs are winding down by now.”

“Right.” He looked down, sort of frowning at his ice cream.

 _Damn it._ She was so bad at this. “Plus. I um. Like. Hanging out with you?”

Connor nodded, smiling a little. “Thanks.”

“Thanks for inviting me.”

“Yeah.”

On the ride home, Connor insisted that Alana pick the radio station and he drove extra slowly as it started to snow.

She picked a Christmas station.

“When we were little, Zoe used to make me crazy because only knew like one line from that ‘Last Christmas’ song? She’d be running around for says just singing ‘You gave it away’ like over and over and over.”

“How old were you?”

“I think I was six and she was five? I don’t remember. We still got along so it had to be a long time ago.” He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “No I must have been five. I’d just had the chicken pox, and she hadn’t had them yet so… My mom and Zoe basically moved out for a week and I was like. All over both of them when they got back. For ages. It was pretty obnoxious.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I mean. Whatever.” He shrugged.

“Are you two getting along more now that you’re hanging out more?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah. I mean. We’re not fighting so much. It’s still… sort of awkward. But it’s kind of nice to um…  have her back. I guess.”

“I’m glad.”

And they both ended up cracking up and singing along to, “Last Christmas.”

 

Alana came back to herself. Zoe had tapped her shoulder.

“Sorry?” Alana looked up. Jared was laughing, holding a sprig of mistletoe over her and

Zoe.

“Jared’s being a dick and trying to get some girl on girl action,” Zoe said, rolling her eyes. She leaned over and kissed Alana’s cheek softly. “Back off Kleinman, okay? We’re not into it.”

Jared did back off, laughing, while Connor glared at him and Evan looked embarrassed in general.

But Alana could hardly breathe. The spot on her cheek that Zoe had kissed seemed to burn. She couldn’t think or act or breathe or exist. Her brain was overloading her heart was exploding what was happening?

“Do you guys know what you’re doing for New Year’s Eve yet?” Zoe asked. “I know for a fact that I’m going to need to get away from our parents after ski trip hell.”

“At least you actually _like_ skiing,” Connor said.

“Don’t be a baby,” Zoe said and Alana smiled because even when she was being kind of mean to Connor she was still so charming and…

“I might have a party,” Alana blurted. Suddenly. “For New Year’s Eve.”

She was not planning to throw a party at all. But just.

“Oh, cool,” Zoe said.

“You’ll have to let us know,” Jared said, “I might be able to sneak out some liquor from my parents. I don’t think they’ve touched the liquor cabinet since the nineties… But I’ve got to get home. Parents are freaking out about the weather.”

“Yeah, we should get going too,” Connor said, frowning. “Ready Evan?”

Evan nodded. They all exchanged hugs and promised to text each other. The boys headed out. Zoe hung back, standing in the entry way with Alana, still in her socks.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Alana repeated.

“So I um… wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”

“You too,” Alana said, nodding.

Zoe’s cheeks were a little bit pink. “Um. I…” She pointed up. “I guess Jared hid more mistletoe.”

Alana laughed, softly, because what an idiot Jared was, but then Zoe wasn’t smiling. She had taken one of Alana’s hands. “Um.”

Zoe kissed her. Softly, just quickly.

And then stepped away, saying, “S-sorry, damn it, I don’t know why I-”

And then Alana kissed her back. Properly.

Zoe broke away, smiling already against Alana’s lips. “Um. So. Merry Christmas?”

Alana nodded.

“New Years?”

“I’ll text you.”

“Good.”

Zoe kissed her again.

And then turned. Put on her shoes.

And left.

 

It was probably a testament to how much Alana had come to think of Connor as a friend that the first person she wanted to tell about the kiss with Zoe was him.

She had half typed out a text to him, excited and freaking out...

But then she thought better of it. Because that was his sister and she knew he was pretty protective of her.

He wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore once he found out. She was basically a dead girl walking.

_Damn it._

 

* * *

 

Her parents took up the idea of the party a little too enthusiastically.

Which somehow meant she had invited all of her acquaintances and various people from the clubs she was a part of.

And now Alana was throwing a kegger.

And mostly just hoping that Zoe and Evan and Connor would come. She bought a sparkly dress and went over and over and over the plan with her parents (nobody leaves or drives, don’t trash the house, here’s the numbers to call if there is an emergency).

And then, so fast, it was already New Year's Eve.

  
“We expect you all to stay the night,” Alana heard her mom saying. She walked into the hall to see Evan, Connor, and Zoe all standing there, smiling.  “But as long as you don’t trash the place, feel free to have a good time. We’ll be back in the morning.”

Evan nodded, looking nervous. Connor smiled. Zoe smiled brilliantly.

 

Connor joined Alana after a little wise, smiling at her tentatively as he poured a drink. “How was your break?” he asked.

“Good!” She said, describing the Christmas parties she had attended. “Yours? How was

your trip?”

“Terrible. Skiing should be illegal,” Connor said, shaking his head.

Alana laughed. He smiled back at her.

“Can I ask you something stupid?” Connor said suddenly.

“Um… sure?”

“Remember in Physics that time when you… told me that stuff about you?”

Alana nodded.

“How’s that uh. Going?”

Alana’s heart nearly stopped for a second. Because nobody outside of her parents had asked. “It’s… it’s okay, I guess. I started seeing a therapist. Writing letters helps, at Sincerely Me. And I started a new medication, and that seems to be helping now that I’ve been on it for a little while.”

Connor nodded. “That’s good.”

“And you?” Alana said.

Connor frowned.

“I’m not going to play dumb and pretend like I don’t know that you were in the hospital,” Alana said, bravely or stupidly or maybe because she’d had two drinks already. “Zoe told me. And Evan mentioned it. And Jared freaked out when the pair of you were in the hospital at the end of October and told me everything that Evan told him. So.” She took a sip of her drink. “How is that going?”

Connor shrugged. “It’s not great, honestly.” He took a drink too. “I’m not supposed to drink or smoke or… I dunno drive probably, I’ve lost track.”

Alana frowned.

“They can’t figure out what’s wrong with me,” He said, looking down at his shoes. “I guess it’s um… It’s stupid nevermind I don’t even know-”

“Connor,” Alana said, touching his shoulder gently for just a second.

He took a breath. “I just. It’s a little bit better. But it’s not… great.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry. That’s hard.”

He shrugged.

“Hey,” Evan said, walking over to join them. He was frowning a little as he looked at Connor. “You’re not supposed to be drinking,” Evan said to Connor, eyebrows raised.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Are you really meant to be drinking, _Xanax_?”

Alana blinked in surprise. Connor was never like that with Evan.

Evan flushed. “Connor.”

“Sorry,” He said, and his face softened immediately. “That wasn’t necessary. I’m sorry.” He nodded his head toward Alana, smiling a little bit. “I’ve been chatting with Alana and nursing this one drink all night. I won’t get drunk. Promise.”

“Fine.”

“He really has been,” Alana volunteered.

Evan looked at her and smiled. “Good. I’m glad I’m not the only one looking out for him.”

“Hey!” Connor said, sounding annoyed, and Evan just smiled back at him and then the frown slipped off of Connor’s face.

Alana thought they were kind of seriously cute.

Evan kissed Connor’s cheek, sticking around to chat with Alana for a bit before being dragged away by Jared to play beer pong.

Alana’s eyes wandered over across the room where she saw Zoe talking to some girls from orchestra, chatting animatedly. She was wearing sneakers with a cute short dress. Alana couldn’t help but stare.

“Dude just go talk to her,” Connor said, nudging Alana.

“What?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “I mean, truth be told I thought she was with some dude from band, but she didn’t shut up about you the whole trip we were on. Seriously. It would have been cute if it wasn’t my sister.”

Alana stared.

“Just go like talk to her or whatever, okay? I think she likes you. You guys would be… cute together? Is that what people say. You’d be cute together.”

Alana stared. “But I… you and I are....” _Friends?_ “...acquaintances…”

Connor nodded “Lon. _Come on_. Zoe’s like… her own person. Seriously. It’s not like you’re _Jared_ . I’d kick his ass for liking her, but not _you_.”

Alana smiled. “Lon?”

Connor’s face went a little pink. “Fuck I’m sorry, I-”

“My mom calls me that,” Alana said. “My grandma did too."

“Yeah that’s… I’m… weird, sorry, just-”

Alana grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “I like it. Nobody else has ever called me a nickname before.”

Connor grinned at her for a second. “Cool.”

“Cool.”

“Dude. It’s nearly midnight,” He said. “I think you should finish your drink and position yourself closer if you want a chance at my sister.”

Alana nodded.

And did just that.

They ended up kissing at midnight.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song Crows In Snow by Passenger. Extra special thanks to Ari for the suggestion. :)


End file.
